My Honest Dating Profile

I’ve ventured into the world of online dating again, but I’m really bad at it. Probably because I’m not ready to date again, but when you admit your marriage ended a year and a half ago and you haven’t started dating, people wonder if you’re, I don’t know, Amish. You tell yourself not to worry about what other people think, and that it doesn’t matter that your ex replaced you as swiftly and nonchalantly as you’d replace a roll of toilet paper, but you do and it does, and sometimes late at night you think if you’d been born three centuries ago, you’d be one of those ruined women who secludes herself in a convent for the rest of her life.


Or, as one Reddit user put it in an insanely funny thread about honest dating profiles: “I’m doing this online dating thing because I’m kinda lonely, a little horny, but mostly ambivalent about dating.”

One of my matches yesterday is passionate (!!!!!). Really passionate! He’s ready to have fun! And travel! And cook! And camp! And run marathons! And volunteer in soup kitchens! And have deep conversations! And be a better person! Are you someone up to the challenge, always on your toes, ready to take on the world?


No. No, I am not.


I live in a place famous for its athleticism, where people talk all the time about challenging themselves physically, mentally, emotionally. And at this point in my life, that all makes me very tired. So does the thought of answering all the questions these sites want you to answer about who you are, what you’re doing with you life, and what kind of person you’re looking for. It feels like the college essays of romance, complete with the need to puff yourself up for admissions officers dating prospects.


Since I’m not feeling it, I’d rather come over here to my blog and write my totally honest dating profile:


My self-summary:


I’m a recently divorced, middle-aged woman who hates change and has massive trust issues. My vision of life centered on a long-term happy marriage and intact family. The last thing I wanted to be doing at forty-one is dating. I try to get excited about the possibility of meeting someone new, someone nice, someone who’s not a lying, cheating bastard, but mostly I’m thinking that when it comes to men, the fucking that you get isn’t worth the fucking that you get and maybe I should just give up and get a cat.


I’m about twenty-five pounds overweight at the moment and sometimes I make an effort to get in shape, but mostly I don’t give a flip. Unless I start thinking about taking my clothes off in front of a new person and then I care a lot, but when I said that to my BFF she shouted, “Just turn off the lights!” Which sounded like such a good solution, I ate another Oreo.


What I’m doing with my life:


I used to say I’m still a stay-at-home mom but let’s face it: I’m unemployed.


I spend a lot of time thinking about:


How much I hate my ex.


On a typical Friday night, I am:


Hanging out with my kids and dreading handing them over their father the next day. After they go to bed, I eat a fattening dessert and watch something on TV as I make to-do lists of the million things my brother and I need to do as we take over our mother’s care and handle her divorce from my lying, cheating father. Then I read a book, which is my major passion in life.


You should message me if:


You like bitter, angry women and don’t want a response.


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